Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I'll Never Forgive Michelle Obama For This Lunch

The lunch backlash continues...

if they are going to limit the kid's portions they definitely need more whole grain, non processed food to stave off hunger...

Students Are Tweeting Awful Photos Of School Lunches To Blame Michelle Obama For New 'Healthier' Meals


How Life is Going? What Will The Future Hold?

1. Well I did get my apartment cleaned out. It's not perfect but I cleaned it enough getting rid of
20 boxes of stuff to the point where I was able to have the carpets cleaned last week. Hopefully the walls will be painted before another lease is put through. I won't be put on Hoarders any time soon. There is still some things to do, but it's at far better base level.

2. My 4 and half months of winter housebound "county-time" ended, where it is temperate outside. I am trying to enjoy what life I can before the door slams shut on the heat end. If a place existed in the world where it was forever from 50-70 degrees, that would be a nice place indeed. One friend asked what to do you do in there all day? Well that is what hobbies are for but this time around it got very tough at times even though one good fortunate trait about me, is I rarely get bored. At least it doesn't look like a new Ice-Age arrived keeping spring away.

3. I've gone back to my groups, stamp club, overweight lady support group, regular self-help group, and a private Bible study with friends. Also found a new church to attend, so looking forward to spending times with friends [they visited me while I was housebound] and meeting some new folks too in the community.

4. Lymph treatment is continuing, and management of the lipedema. I'm hoping to get to a better place in life, and will continue my exercises.

5. I'm still writing about narcissist stuff here, but I am asking myself how do I move life forward how do I heal? I can tell that since I have gone NC-9 months ago, I have more confidence, and my anxiety problems have dropped by quite a bit.  I've been free of the constant diet of put-downs and being told that I am inferior, and well outside of housebound times, spending time with NICE people. Which I did in my old town, but still then I was tethered to the narcissists too. There is no more bowing and scraping and worrying about what "those" people think or trying to stay one step ahead of all of the chess games, lying and insults. It has brought up a lot of questions in terms of life, and has changed me in some ways I think are better. More asking myself what I want? There is a healthy level of "narcissism" where people are to look out for their own needs and do self-care, perhaps this is one positive outcome. Yes still help people but also look out for yourself too.  Spend time with people who care.

6. The financial end of life still petrifies me.  There has been some major losses related to this as you all know. One thing I have confronted is that when I was abandoned in the ghetto by my relatives after my four hundredpound weight gain, is that this was a betrayal of the highest order. Knowing normal and healthy people, I know this was not normal at all, and this was not my fault. I don't blame my brother and other relatives who were more limited, but being away gave me a new perspective.  I have heartache pertaining to this issue. Inside there is part of me that fears losing the life I have managed due to lack of money.  Will we lose our apartment, car? Will I be able to get medical needs met? My husband's freelance work, slowed down during the winter and I've helped him in searching for more. Sadly many venues like ebay where one could make a little pin money have slowed down to a crawl.  I have nightmares of being on the street pushing a shopping cart, with my narc mother looking down and cackling at me. I'm praying this will not happen every day. There are people who have over-comed these problems.

Overall I am feeling more positive about the future, though I am struggling with the feelings of fear. I believe the freedom in the end will be worth it. 

My Brother, Grievous Godmother, Aunt Denial and Uncle Narcissist

                                                    [picture source--Arrested Development TV Mom]

The family would faint if they ever saw this blog, and I am making arrangements that it will be seen upon my demise. I want to live a long time but want it shared then. Let them read, I doubt it will make any impact but perhaps some of the non-narc side parties will wake up to what I have dealt with. Maybe this blog will serve as a warning to the members of the younger generations that avoid becoming narcissists themselves.  Truth-telling is not allowed in narcissist families and well I've laid it all out here.

 Remember when I said I wrote the final letters to the top two narcissists, a few of the ones on the sidelines , got some Goodbyes as well. As a Christian, one thing, I believe is in forgiving people lest people think I am too hard of a person and would just slam the door in people's faces. With narcissists there is NEVER any repentance, or statements of "I was wrong."  In fact one thing they all hold in common is this air of superiority over other human beings and the refusal to ever admit they are anything but perfect. Speaking to them is always like speaking to a wall. I have friends who have shown me far more loyalty then most members of my family ever did.

                                         [picture source]

Just so folks realize, it is not unknown for a scapegoat victimized by narcissists to have to walk away from an entire family, I only have my brother left now who has shown me love and care, his kids, girlfriend and three cousins who noticed I was alive and their families and they all live very far away. Maybe my sister's kids will grow up and talk to me. I sure hope so. Even there I must proceed with caution as they have contact with the narcissists. My only hope is to tell my side of the story and hoped I am believed. My brother of course witnessed some of my abuse growing up.

These relationships were probably rescued due to early contact I had with all parties, the smear campaigns didn't work like they did all on the others. With my brother, I have been telling him about some of the abuse and some of the background lies. A few things have shocked him such as the  "big Momma" joke panties that were sent me by my mother. One thing, the narcissists always made me feel like I talked too much, but now there is the realization that too much was held back.

One thing I stressed was that many things happened to me, he didn't even know about and they were done behind closed doors and not in front of others.  I flat out told him I believed the two top narcissists lacked consciences. He has admitted to me that something is seriously wrong with them in the "affective sense", and they do not seem to have the same type of emotions or attachments as other human beings. He refers to my sister as my narcissist mother's "Mini-Me" and has told me he is weirded out by her dressing exactly like my mother and modeling her life on wanting to "be her". I care about my brother very much, but have been praying knowing the narcissists will do everything in their power to sever the relationship. She managed to take everyone else away and will try there too.

                                          [picture source]
Two of the people I sent letters too, included Aunt Denial, the wife of my mother's narcissistic youngest brother Uncle Narcissist [she is near my age and has three young adult children] and Grievous Godmother. They never wrote back to the final letters nor do I expect them too. Their insistence on keeping a perfect picture will always come first.

Part of my recovery has been to not chase after people who want nothing to do with me. Here some of my own Asperger obtuseness and denial was in force because Aunt Denial was always so friendly to me at least on the surface with a smile. I glommed on to this like a starving and thirsty man in the desert getting a few drops of water. This was someone I could talk to at family gatherings who would noticed I was alive so in some ways she fooled me. When the pedal hit the metal, I realized she had the same world view as the narcissists seeing me and Aunt Scapegoat as "lesser". Aunt Scapegoat due to her accepting her position was included far more in family functions, while I "the rebel" was merely tolerated and barely even that. I still remember defending Aunt Scapegoat when Aunt Denial told me about some 25 year old wrongdoing of hers, saying, "That was so long ago!, she was young we all make mistakes when young!"

The only time I saw this Aunt at my place was once in 20 years when her son happened to have a ballgame in the vicinity. From my old town, we visited her home a couple times a year, trying to reach out. She and her family would also appear at other family functions. I liked many things about her, but a firm wall was up, and one thing I noticed is I was getting far closer to people I met in my community then even a fellow family member. I realized that they were far closer to my mother and agreed with everything she said about me.

I confronted all the parties on their treatment of Aunt Scapegoat and said it was wrong and said a few other things I had kept silent for years. I told Aunt Denial, that it was wrong how she refused to listen to me when I asked for the annual family gathering to be changed to a time of year I could breathe and travel and all I heard was about her needs and how hard things were for her and how busy she is and she is perfectly healthy.

I also said, "I now realize this relationship if there ever was one was all one way and that was reason enough for me to walk away". One thing Aunt Denial would do while she was friendly on the surface, she would always treat me with disdain, or with the excuses, "I am too busy.". This was not someone I contacted every month or every week even but only a few times a year, and it was like calling on the president of the United States. I'm responsible for this one but should have gotten a clue earlier on and not tried so hard. At least now, when people do the "I'm so busy" thing, I know they are saying, "you are bothering me and a low priority". Yes a real and good friend can tell me they are legitimately busy, but if you hear this over and over for years, it means something.

One thing about this aunt is she always praised the family acting like it was the greatest family in the world, when even as far as dysfunction goes, it's pretty high up there. Maybe there are people like this where life is happier living in a bubble of denial, where they are less bothered. She would wrote me a letter back telling me, "everyone seems to get busier and busier". Wow I heard that from my mother too whose been retired for years every time she drove my apt within a mile and didn't stop by.  She praised my narcissistic grandmother [now deceased] as the epitome of greatness and told me, that "I'm sure she'd be sad to know how sad you feel about your family." She then told me, "Please don't forget your roots. No matter what, you are and will always be part of our family. Although we can't always see you. you are in our thoughts and prayers. 

The line, "she'd be sad to know how sad you feel about your family" stands out to me because why not take my feelings seriously? Don't I have reason to be sad?  Here I see the insidious message, that my feelings are my fault supposedly, and they arose out of a vacuum. The "we can't always see you" is just more of the excuse making. Part of my mind applies that one metaphorically where they never did SEE me. Actually this is the grandmother that had a family wall of pictures in her living room where she left me and Aunt Scapegoat off that wall and where she told me, that my cousin was her favorite grandchild. Why would you say that to another grandchild?

 Part of my recovery has been to not chase after people who want nothing to do with me. Here some Asperger obtuseness and denial was in force because Aunt Denial was always so friendly to me at least on the surface. This was someone I could talk to at family gatherings who would noticed I was alive so in some ways she fooled me but when the pedal hit the metal, I realized she had the same world view as the narcissists seeing me and Aunt Scapegoat as lesser. Aunt Scapegoat due to her accepting her position was included far more in family functions, while I the rebel was merely tolerated and later cut out more and more. Various scapegoats were called out as "losers". I still remember defending Aunt Scapegoat when Aunt Denial twittered on about some 25 year old wrongdoing of hers, saying, "That was so long ago!, she was young we all make mistakes when young!" She backed up the same order as the narcissists.

The only time I saw this Aunt was once in 20 years at my apt when her son happened to have a ballgame in the vicinity of the town I live in now.  She stopped by for 20 minutes.  From my old town, we visited her home a few times, trying to reach out. I liked many things about her, but a wall was up, and one thing I noticed is I was getting far closer to people I met in my community then even a fellow family member. I realized that they were far closer to my mother and agreed with everything she said about me.

She lived a middle class lifestyle with her husband indulging in an over the top sports obsession, they'd even wear the same team colors while visiting games hundreds of miles away and go every spring break to their condo down on Gulf, where my mother from her second house in Florida would meet up with them. Her husband, my mother's favorite brother Uncle Narcissist, was a secondary golden child, who never could do anything wrong. My grandmother literally fawned over him as he was her youngest child, laying his clothes out, attending to his meals where he ate at different times coming and going from endless baseball games or part time work as she yelled at Aunt Scapegoat to get out of the way.

                                         [picture source]

 As a kid, whenever I visited my grandmothers house, which was long distance, as a teen he would tackle me on the ground, a few times knocking the air out of me with Indian burns included and trying to play tricks and pranks on me where the whole family including my parents would laugh at me, such as the time he made noises through the bathroom vent when I was in there and scared me.  Employed by 18 even without a college degree at the time, by his best friend's father, he never lacked for a good job and rose up the ranks. He never had to go hunting for a job in his entire adult life, so ended up with a bad attitude towards anyone who ever faced poverty or unemployment. On a social website, he would write about the "lazy" poor, welfare/disabled "deadbeats" and how they were after all his taxes and how anyone without money was a bum. In this he combined neo-con banker-loving Republican politics with odd liberal ones that made him an adamant fan of Marilyn Manson and Black Sabbath at the age of 50! 

I argued with him a few times, but he always backed off with an off-handed comment like "Take a chill pill!" Viewing him objectively I realized he was "mean" too. I applied the things I learned about narcissism to him too.  There was one time at a family event, Aunt Denial said she was going to plan a bonfire there, and two family members are severe asthmatics including me, and she refused to back down on her plan. Both are very friendly with my mother, visiting her house, seeking to impress her with shared vacations, and prime rib dinners. They were some of her favorite relatives too and no criticism between either parties ever happened. That was one thing about Aunt Denial, fooled by the surface kindness, I could tell her a story of some of the most hideous abuse when younger and trust me these times were extraordinarily rare, "my mother stole my identity, my father hit me", and she would always tell me things like "Your mother loves you, or your parents mean well". Of course I heard this nonsense from my father's sister as well too.

                                                   [picture source]

This may sound bad, but I asked myself for years how could I be related to people who were so provincial and who didn't care about anything I cared about and who seemed to lack any emotions? I can understand Aunt Denial not being the same as me, her life followed a direct trajectory where tragedy and suffering came in limited supply, a good teaching career, three healthy children, extraordinarily stable upper middle-class living and that's fine with me as I have friends who have had different lives, but also now understand that at some core place, I was totally rejected and contrary to all her claims that I was part of the family, I really was not. 

This brings me then to Grievous Godmother, who is Uncle Narcissist's and my mother's first cousin from my maternal grandfather's side. Around 5 years ago, she got a spasm of religious guilt or something, and she wrote me after 26 years of no contact which had ended with a present sent from far away at the age of 14 or so. Her letters seemed nice on the surface and I started to respond and updated her. She was what the Catholic church calls a "godmother by proxy", ie: not in the room, and well she really wasn't in my life either. As a child, I saw her once around the age of 5 and never again.

I am in a church as an adult since I left the Catholic church, that does not believe in infant baptism nor in "godmothers" but decided to be kind and start talking to her in letters and emails. At the time, maybe I thought this was a relative, I could get to know, but my disappointment remained. Her letters were odd, stilted renditions of expensive vacations which I still have no idea how a retired home-ec teacher could afford them and the endless achievements of her upper middle class adult children who held professions ranging from Catholic high school principal to her daughter who was the head of a art education department at a university.

 Think of one of those notorious Christmas letters where someone uses it as a brag-fest, that was her letters but in an extreme form.  She took little interest in my viewpoints or interests or even me as a person. Her letters included unending praises for my mother too, sigh just like the rest of the family. One time she accidentally informed me she had visited a town right north of me where she would have had to pass within a mile of my apt, but still never visited. I didn't really understand her motive in contacting me except to have someone to brag too. I almost wanted to ask her, "Where were you when I was being abused?"

I informed her I was poor, had serious health problems and even once confronted her saying "please stop bragging about your daughter, it hurts me as that is the career I could have imagined for myself if my health had stayed intact". But while she said a half-hearted sorry, saying "Oh we are too proud", she continued with the same behavior. My attempts to get to know her as a person failed and then I realized she had the same personality as so many of my relatives. There was no intimacy to be had there either, just someone else who wanted to use me as a mirror to reflect off of.

I went no contact with Grievous Godmother, which really made little difference as she is and was basically a stranger to me. With Aunt Denial and Uncle Narcissist, I have walked on too, but that door was shut by them as well a long time ago.

Since when did family become about having an audience to brag to and no real relationships? Outside of my brother, the good cousins, and ones too young to be fully in the system, I am facing the fact, I really was a stranger with them all, and asking myself how on earth did this happen? My attempts to connect and even get to know them as people failed. Narcissists do not want to be "known", it is all about the image.

For years I thought I was the problem, I thought because I was fat and "failed", that they were "ashamed" of me and had reason to be so.  Later I blamed my Aspergers but while I have social difficulties out in the world, there were people who cared about and liked me. I dreamed of the day I would be thinner or even have some success or money and where I would become loved and accepted but as I got older and knew that day was more remote in coming, I started asking myself, why was I seeking love from people that from my side I didn't even like or didn't like me? Meeting normal people in churches and in other venues, I knew while families had problems at least they were not strangers to each other. The people could "see" one another. Something was very wrong.

                                          [picture source]
I think of various lists regarding narcisissts and these things applied to these relationships, they turned every conversation to themselves, they ignored the impact of negative comments on me, they bragged about their lives, ignoring mine. Looking at them, I saw how they treated the entire world with the same shallow base, with contempt for those they saw as not measuring up. It stood out to me that even a diagnosis I fought for years for, meant nothing to them all except my brother and the few good cousins.  So much was about "impressing" others and seeking their admiration. For me I faced it was a losing battle, and these relationships were a lose-lose for me. Sometimes for my relatives who do have emotions, sadness in the eyes of some of them and some kindness, I feel for them and the affect these others will have on them.

I never felt I fit in, maybe I will find out I wasn't even related to some of these people [my brother will always be my brother] but I never did belong either way.

Post script regarding Aunt Denial: She sent me a response, she complained about how busy her job made her and ended with this. She will not come back to respond when there is time. I know that already.

"I do not have time to comment on many of the points you have made properly this time.  I can say that I'm sorry and sad you feel the way you do.
Love Aunt Denial

One thing stands out to me here, she is sad about how I feel as if those feelings were wrong. Also the "do not have time thing" is pretty sad too, since I had written an original email 4 months prior with no response. I have realized I really do not have a relationship with these parties, and with some of them, my going NC really made no real changes to my life except freeing me of empty social interactions.

My Emotions Dealing with the Lipedema Diagnosis

{I'm stage III and severe}

It explained so much, more then you all can ever know and the funny thing is for years I told doctors and others who thought I was crazy, that I felt like a "big bag of water" and I do not think it is normal for fat people to have their entire lower body including their abdomen swell up huge just from sitting up!

One advantage of all the home care and nursing care and occupational therapy I got last year was therapists, nurses and others were seeing how I operated for hours, they weren't coming in and seeing me laying in bed with endless empty bags of fast food, the physical therapist would take me on walks and even NOTICED how my abdomen expanded in the short time he was with me. For years, I have laid in bed to "control water" and blamed it on my failing heart due to weight, but they noticed I was staying alive far longer then what congestive heart failure diagnosed in 1998 would do. I still have some congestive heart failure and other problems but the picture was far bigger.

Another thing,  this explained all the endless Leg Pain for years where just being touched on the legs hurt. I learned to tune out pain to survive mentally and otherwise, but pain is part of my reality that never lets up, my legs hurt all the time, and the more swollen they are, the worse the pain. It is always there.  Where each everyday there is an ache or an acute pain in my leg and even at times in the stomach area. Now I know why and that I was not being a hypochondriac, or anything like that, my pain was real and it grew worse the more I sat up, and more things I did, and this got harder to conquer the older I got.

I also understand that the "fat" is totally different in this condition and I have it in a severe form. My attempts to diet and exercise failing, is not a abnormal thing in severe lipedema conditions. So wonder none of it ever seemed to work. I had the scary thing recently of gaining a little bit of weight, I'm at 530 and I had been exercising FAR more these last few months.  if I had a normal body, I would not be gaining weight. Out of weight gain fears, I have given up some yogurt but that is the only thing left to be cut. Our food has been more reduced, it's the end of the month, and well things do get stripped down a bit food wise, and I feel it. I was very swollen the day I was weighed, had spent much of week sitting up and went to day conference, so hopefully that explains the "weight gain".

Emotionally this is some weird territory to be on. Part of me thinks if only they caught this when I was young, but my years of poverty and other problems, no one was listening. There is grief and regret there. Why did it take so long to get diagnosed and help? Even with my abusive parents, I think if only they had listened or believed me, I was complaining about feeling swollen very early on. Did the trauma of my poverty and other horrible things bring this on right before my 400lb weight gain? Well I had gained 100lbs within a year from age 12-13, why didn't anyone pay attention except to call me fat and lazy? Why was I always blamed for everything including my own health problems?

One odd thing recently too, is realizing the genetic scope of lipedema, where people who have it tell me it comes from at least one side of the family and while not everyone gets a diagnosis and there are differing levels of severity, in my case, no one had swollen legs or arms or the body shape I ended up with on either side of the family. This has brought some questions up regarding my origins. My mother's non-answer, I already posted about. Model thin-cousins, nieces and nephews and others, and one would naturally ask "How did this happen to me?" Part of me has been doing some serious thinking about the family I "never fit in" and how I ended up to be supposedly related to people I was nothing like. If your body does not match those you are related to or your personality, what would you think? I am exploring possibilities right now to get some answers. I will either find out I am really related to my haters or will end up being a Late Discovery Adoptee. One or the other.

This illness did bring me abuse, and censure. My body even as far as super fat people go, never looked normal, my weight distribution and shape was extreme. Now that I know what was really wrong, the years of abuse and put-downs for being this way are even more poignant. I confronted the narcissists with this but one sentence those types are allergic to is, "I am sorry". No recognition awaited me whatsoever and I know I will never have it.  For years I felt like the opposite of the book "Thinner" had happened to me. All the stuff about dieting was a joke as it never worked on me. Recently even exercising far more, I gained a little bit of weight. It gets scary, it really does.

A Center for Advanced Medicine in a huge metro city even ignored it, and well I'm planning a letter for those folks. How many have this illness only to be told they are "just fat" and they enter years of pain and misery because of fat prejudice? I have the old paper where they wrote about me having a huge incredible weight gain--I used pictures for proof, and the sentence appears, "patient most likely is lying about her food intake." Their arrogancy cost me more years of suffering.

I hope the detractors I encountered on this blog, who told me I was just fat and lazy too, are now schooled in reality.

I am looking forward to some of the treatment that awaits me including some flexitouch to take more fluids off. One therapist recently said to me, "You are not a quitter." I was happy to hear that from her. That is very true, I finally got my answers, Thank God!

Rare adipose disorders that masquerade as obesity

We don't Love you because you are fat!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Story of my life! Great Video: "Fat Legs And All"

This video was the story of my life, they show women in the three stages too, I'm the worse stage. For me my weight is intense below the waist, extreme pear shape, so I am glad they cover that. The job discrimination, the trying to diet, the lack of understanding of those around me, it all was summed up in this great video. I am still processing my lipedema diagnosis and may post on that issue. A lot has been going on with me lately. LOL

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Final Goodbye to Narcs 2

Read this post first.

As you see described in that post, I sent off the 8 month old "going no contact" letter I had written and included information about  the lipedema diagnosis.

Here was my response from my mother:

"Received [your] letter.  Don't know what you want as a response as you will perceive it to say something negative from me, nor will you believe anything I say anyway."

I didn't expect much else. Well she has seen it, I had my final word and won't be responding. Oddly I am more cemented in the "no contact" now, so it wasn't a mistake in that way. Thanks to the commenter who wrote to me there's no wrong way to go "no contact".  I was able to say why I left and in that it was a positive.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

I Love This Dress.....

I had a friend gift me with this wonderful spring dress and a great jumper too. :) it pairs up with the beads nicely. This is my celebration of spring dress after a long winter!