Sunday, August 31, 2014

Their Evil Behavior Means Stay Far Far Away!

Self respect in this life can come at a cost.

For me the cost is a possible 6 figure inheritance, and having relatives to visit with, talk to, see and be part of my life.

However if the other option means being a "worm" for the rest of my life. Forget it. 

I do not want to be abused anymore, looked down on or trashed. I would rather be alone. A friend today told me that I am going to lose my entire family given the path I am going down, and she said, "Do you want to be alone?" I answered, "Yes I would rather be alone." Does that shock some here?

I am being punished for my "rebellion" against the head narc. The smear campaigns are worse then I ever imagined they were. For years I suspected I was hated and disliked even by the ones who smiled in front of me. Well the veil got ripped off a few more recently.

How could I explain to outsiders, that I had to go "no contact" with my entire family without them thinking I was the crazy one? Fellow Adult children of narcissists who have had to deal with a sociopath's destruction of their life do understand.

I told you the story about the aunt, where my only sin, was to ask, "Why did you lie to me about sending pictures and what is the big deal about sending them?"

One thing about narcs, is the slightest challenge will invoke their rage, that aunt hung up on me, but later on she sent her adult daughter who lives with her, after me.

She called a second time, with odd things to present, saying "Are you going to swim in the lake?" over and over.  I live near a lake. It does not mean I am rich, but she fixated on it like mad. I had written her cards after an illness and talked to her on the phone a few times though I mostly spoke with her mother and we got along well, or so I thought.  The way she said it, it almost sounded like a threat like when mafiosos talk about going to swim with the fishes.

She was extremely hostile and angry. She went into this litany about how disabled people are all bums, and basically told me I am a "lazy ass" who can sit in the house all day. "I see these disabled bums at counters hanging out here!" and screamed about how she has had to work hard all her life "All I do is f**cking work!" and how great I had it laying around the house all day, by a lake.

The jealousy was extreme and psycho. I should have hung up. Add two more to the NC list!  I stood up for myself but then she went off topic screaming about how the rest of the family had cast her away. I told her this was wrong. She is a poor factory worker and did not achieve their social standing either. Funny, I doubt she was screaming at any of the narcs. She too saw me as the target to unleash her anger out against.

I reminded her that I had been around and asked her how she was after a work accident which quieted her down some. The odd thing is she screamed about my mother and how dare I question her too. She responded to me, "I don't care about sides, your mother has plenty of pictures." I retorted back, "How am I going to see those as I am no contact with her?" This told me my mother had complete control and manipulation of these two from nearly a thousand miles away. I also suspected strong where all the attitudes about the disabled came from too. I could hear my mother's voice, when she called me a "lazy' and a "bum" for being disabled. Also one asks "What are they hiding to protect photos like they are in Fort Knox?"

Her calls will be screened and ignored now. I get the feeling she was sent as an enforcer of sorts, to shut me up for daring to question her mother even in the most minute of ways. This was ripping off of a veil of sorts in realizing these two who otherwise had been polite to me but defensive of my mother, hated my ever loving guts. I plan to go no contact with them. Our contact had been regular but they live far away. These were the relatives where the granddaughter of the mother of two had not invited me to her wedding. Before then I had no disputes, no nothing. I had not disagreed with them on anything either before outside of my aunt's telling me, "Your mother loves you!"

Then my brother, ignored my birthday. First time ever for him. I don't expect a grandstand band or even a card, but he would call or at least write on a social website always before. Recently I have noticed a pattern that every time he talks with my mother on the phone, he avoids me like the plague. This time to even ditch my birthday.

I wrote him on a social website, and said, "Hey did you forget my birthday?" so I got him to talk to me. I got the "I was busy" excuse, and he went on to tell me my mother was coming from out of state to visit him for the week. He told me, some of what she had told him, that she had sent me a big check--never saw it and she told him she had drove by my apt building and seen my car there. She basically presented herself as the martyred ignored mother to him while telling him lies about sending me a large amount of money and other things. I told him "Do not believe her lies". What else could I do? Even there I know I will be thrown under the bus. He planned to come up this fall which tells me she is going down there instead to isolate me further and turn the 5 years since we have seen each other now into 6-7 years. I don't know if I will end up going no contact with him but it is looking very probable. The relationship is on the edge. I will see if he stands up for me but I expect to be disappointed, he will choose the side his bread is buttered on.  She poisons minds against me so effectively.

I am realizing how bad the smear campaigns have been and for so many years. I am realizing how very hated I am beyond the pale. I am realizing many of them are horrible people with violent tempers. The cousin frightened me, I went into "Cool down the Crazy" social worker mode which I can slip into from my past work when I should have been hanging up the phone. I sometimes find myself having thoughts that these people want me to get back in line no matter what. I also know she is conducting smears against me behind the scenes to the extreme. I have to watch my back and I do not think I am paranoid to think other revenges could be sought.

 This has been hard to take and recently I have gone into a kind of quiet funk where I do not feel like socializing at all except with closest of friends.  My husband has been supportive of me and extremely shocked and dismayed at their odd and scary behavior. He does not understand why my father's family would follow the dictates of my mother so unquestioningly.

 I have grown more suspicious that they are hiding something from me or that I am adopted. I think they are terrible people with little honor or kindness. When away from here and acouple discussion boards online, I am trying to clear them from my mind, but I still keep thinking, "What in the hell happened?", "How did it go so bad?" and "What should I do?". I feel scared even leaving the cult still and by the way some of these people have acted, maybe there really reason to listen to some of those emotions. I am going to stay away from all of them. I can't take it anymore. I am realizing too the bad ramifications of such severe abuse and what it did to me on multiple levels. Ollie Matthews was right about getting away from anyone who has a relationship with your narcs.

 Even with my father's relatives, saying such nasty things about disabled people that did not come out of no where. I am the only disabled person in the family. There is no empathy in my family. I am seen at fault for every health problem I have ever had, and they all believed her, when she called me a loser and being a malingerer. My disabilities from hearing impairment, breathing problems and more were used against me.  Years ago when I first applied for disability being in and out of the hospital, I told my mother, and the first thing she said was, "You want to be disabled so you can lay around the house and just eat?". I can hear her voice through these others.

I suspected long ago this is what was going on, and now I know for sure it is. It is scary when you are forced to face such horrible things. I don't have a family and never did. I am NC you know with 20 people now, two more just got added and one soon to be. I hope people can understand how extreme of a situation I have faced.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Not A Fan of Feminism

One thing I have noticed is most fat activist announce they are feminists. They call themselves that on the Fattitude trailer.   I am not a feminist as defined today.  Yes I know the definitions have a wide range. Call it traditional Christian values interfering or whatnot contradicting with feminism. I won't get into the personal religious reasons as to why I find modern feminism distasteful but will share with you my other reasons.

Here is a caveat, I do not think men should lord over women. I do not agree with patriarchy movements. I do think fair pay, abuse shelters, property rights, voting and items like that are good things. The fact the Duggars keep their daughters at home for life unless they marry horrifies me. Maybe some would consider me a first wave feminist, or a 19th century one, but even extreme radical Andrea Dworkin if she came back from the dead would scream upon seeing some of the nonsense advocated by feminists today such as the legalization of prostitution or "sex work".

I used to read books about the 1960s, and how even though free sex reigned, the men still expected the women to cook and clean in the commune. Now women get to do double-shifts of cooking, taking care of the children, cleaning AND bringing home the bacon.  When do they get a break? The business world benefitted as both Mom and Dad had to work which meant lower wages and less family and personal time.  Replacing Dad with the state just gave the state more power too. I believe feminism helped lower the quality of life for us all.

 However when I think of feminism, I think to myself "Ah that's why my family was socially sanctioned in tossing a sick Aspie into the sink or swim streets!" "Ah this is why my father treated me more like a man because I was not traditionally pretty!" I was told to become a nun by my family. I was told I never would marry. My mother's best friend who was a lawyer nun, who later scaled up the career ladder to great heights, was held up as someone for me to emulate. She advocated for female priests and was an extreme feminist. Liberalism in the classic sense didn't rule my household, but whatever politics served their interests and their interests were in treating me like a proto-man, problem was I wasn't a man. I was a girl and needed some protection and love and didn't get it.

Years ago you could have called me a feminist. I read Ms. magazine for years. I thought about women's rights. I was on the outlook for sexists.  I had the women studies class and did the Take Back the Night marches. However I was less protected as a result of feminism. I got sexually harassed at a job. I got jumped on the streets. I got out into the ever-gloried career world and realized the promises of empowerment were a joke. I was cleaning toilets in other people's houses. I was cooking meals at the group home and dusting it's beat up furniture. I spent my 20s taking care of OTHER people's children instead of my own.

Feminism screwed me.

Girls in my mid-sized town in high school were raised to get married young and now everyone I went to school with is a grandmother, and have big families of their own. This includes a friend from high school who now has two daughters, a son and several grandchildren. She got pregnant at 17 while I was a freshman in college and I remember she was devastated but who ended up with a better path?

Careers don't hug you at night, and if you are not a big whig especially in this economy, jobs don't build a life. The personal side of life was ignored for false carrot-stick chasing dreams of "you need to have a great career!". The Baby Boomers especially for Generation X, advertised this path as being the happier one. For many it was not.  Women need relationships, and connection. This is ignored in our society.

All feminism means to me is that women got to trade husbands for bosses. One traded the admitted tedium of housework, and childcare for the tedium of the workplace. Sure some richer or upper middle class women may see jobs as "empowering" but for most it means they are beholden to bosses who may be less kind then husband or less personally invested in you. There is a reason that Gloria Steinem and pals seem to live in a fantasy world of flex time and jobs that make 6  plus figures while advocating this as a lifestyle for all women. Why should women for so many years been made to feel ashamed of staying home and being housewives?

I have had these discussions with very close friends in my 40s, and one even managed to achieve some career success and we have talked among ourselves that the promises of feminism were a total bag of hot-air. What does women's lib mean if you are sitting and staring at a wall alone on a Saturday night? I got married kind of late, and only barely escaped Selma and Thelma spinisterhood.  Being disabled in the feminist world where you are unable to be defined by your "career" too is another loss.

What gets me about feminists is they seem to just want to load on all the work and responsibility of men onto women. I don't think women should fight in combat, and that we are not emotionally or otherwise set up for that. It sickens me that now we will have women on the battlefield who will be expected to be hard like men. What is wrong with women being protected by men? I think men should protect their women. I wasn't protected or even treated like a girl in my FOO. Why did I have to prove myself to be manly? Seriously I did. Why wasn't I allowed to cry or be vulnerable or ask for any help? How many young girls are being treated this way and told they are not allowed to have any "softness" to be acceptable? How is this changing the men or their treatment of women?

Realities are denied by feminists. The whole you can earn the bacon and fry it up in the pan, thing denies that time for human beings is a limited thing. I have read more women are staying at home who can afford to. I am glad. They know quality of life and time with their children counts. I wish many weren't forced to work tedious too low paid jobs. Now working class and poor women have always had to work but when they ripped the stability of family life away, they gave the bosses and corporations more power to direct their lives. There was less of a safety net for all. It made life more of a solitary venture with less back-up.

I remember when early feminists used to protest objectification of women, now that is worse then ever. Whatever happened to that?

Also feminism denies differences between men and women. Weren't some of the differences why men and women were attracted to one another? I tired of women always being presented as strong and independent. What if I don't feel strong? Why does every heroine in every novel have to be capable of flying airplanes or building houses from scratch? In the Victorian era, women could cry and faint, now we have to all act like studs without a tear in our eye to earn our feminist street cred of being an empowered, strong, independent woman!

Feminism was supposed to make things better for women, but from what I have seen since the days of the bra-burners in the 1960s is life has gotten far more oppressive and hard for women.  Elderly friends of mine who raised their families in the 60s and 70s, told me life was far far simpler for women. They told me their daughters [all at work] while disabled me was at our book and writing clubs, all had far harder lives with no time for anything including fun.

Pitting the sexes against each other is just making everyone more miserable. I too wonder why feminism and fat activism go hand in hand. What is floating that boat? Aren't 50% of the fat male? Why are they being cut out to serve liberal agendas?

Where did all that promised freedom come in?

Ollie Matthews Video: Everyone Failed You!

Language warning on this one. Ollie Matthews is an ACON who talks about having faced narcissistic abuse and moving on from the Narc abusers. While as a Christian I wish the language was a bit cleaner, him sharing his experiences has helped me a lot. It has told me I am not the only one who has faced these things. He has many other good videos, check those out. He does advocate going no contact which is advice I agree with.


I like the discussion of cultural displays of fat people in Fattitude but we see the usual media controllers on fat like Marilyn Wann including in this film. I agree with people avoiding body shame and low self esteem, but you know there is that other side, where I have said, someone needs to stand up about what is being done to our health in our toxic society. I am glad she hasn't drank the extreme size acceptance Kool-Aid and is trying to eat healthy. Her attitude in this video is a good one, I agree with what a lot she has to say. I hope this young fat woman can go on and have a family and be far healthier.

Thursday, August 28, 2014


Another blast from the past where one could eat rich food like lard [a food I definitely avoid!] and not grow ultra-obese like now! This could be a mock-up, but if you read books from the old days or seen old cookbooks, you know they used lard in many things.

New Life

Yes there is some heavy stuff here, but I am making sure to also take time for fun and focusing on interests and more. Undoing years worth of stuff is hard but happiness can still be found among all the rest of it. As I get older, I am enjoying birdwatching and nature, my stamp collection also is going well. I'm still working on comics too. One hopes and prays for open vistas ahead. :)

The Aunt Never Sent The Pictures and More

                                          [picture source]

The Aunt Never Sent the Pictures.

Why should I be surprised?

I am not so bothered by the refusal to send the pictures, but the lie of, "I have the box right here on my lap ready to send out" from weeks ago. She kept putting me off and off.

I have more to write on her later, she affected my childhood quite a bit.

Today she hung up on me after I told her, "I am done."

She won herself having her story told on this blog, anonymously of course.

Fellow scapegoats can understand this destruction of the soul that cuts through the entire family via narcissists. Dismissed, ignored, some do it double-faced like this aunt and Aunt Denial, and others do it more direct.

As I said it could be NC with almost the entire family the way this is going. The me of today can't tolerate their disrespect, lies and wickedness.

What gets me is none of them seem to have any attachment. I have noted that having any attachment, feeling of nostalgia or feelings in general makes you an outliner in their crowd.

I got two more "corporate" birthday cards from Spider and Mini-Me. One said on it, "Whatever Makes You Happy" on the front. She used to say that to me in a sarcastic fashion so I knew what the card meant. The keeping up of appearances counts for everything. She can tell everyone,  "I sent her a card!"

They are just bad people, that's all.

Post script: The cousin called me up yelling at me, for leaving message on the answering machine--"Don't talk to my Mom that way anymore, you need to stay buddies and pals", and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise and hanging up on me. "You can keep in touch or not." That sounds rather flippant. She sounds like another defender of narcs. Well I am not. I just let her hang up on me and let it go. I said my piece. I never cussed her mother out or even said one insult word, just "Why?" and "I do not like being treated like trash". What kind of "buddy" treats you this way or makes excuses for your abusers?

I do think they are keeping a huge secret from me. It is either the adoption thing or something else. I am treated so oddly. Even my husband has told me he is deeply concerned over the strangeness of the treatment. He says "None of it makes sense" and the way they treat me is absolutely horrible. He says one thing he has noticed is how none of them ever can admit a mistake and they always say they are right no matter what. What you feel and say doesn't even reach them. They treat me like I am absolutely nothing.

I know everyone in any contact with my mother has been poisoned against me. The depths of the poisoning are extreme beyond what I even have discussed on this board. My suspicions I am adopted are even stronger. They are hiding something else if not that from me. I have known something has been hidden for years. I used to tell therapists "Something is wrong, I can't lay my finger on".

She labeled me the throwaway and tossed me over board. She convinced others, that I was not worthy of even the most basic attention, notice, love, or decent treatment. For years I lapped up the crumbs of whatever I could get. I owe nothing to these people anymore. No loyalty, nothing.

I feel in a strange place lately. I find myself thinking "Can I get a new improved life?" "Can I be happy where I wake up smiling?" I have brief glimpses of light on the horizon. Sometimes I smile and think of what things could be. I pray to God for financial security, and to survive and for one day to belong somewhere. My days are more peaceful being NC, but I have to admit, none of this easy, you overthrow the old order. I have left Jim Jones narc land, and the brainwashed cult members are pissed. You take out the trash and see the empty can sitting there and think "Now what?"

Thank God I have my husband and my friends.  So many years in narc darkness, so old now coming out into the light. So many years being told and shown by these people I was nothing. Closed doors, closed minds from hell, where one could scream and shout and nothing new could enter in. The days of cast down eyes, and listening to their self-elevating babble and excuses are over. The prisons they tried to lock me in were so extreme.

I have to be done with them. I'm walking away from MORE of them. My mother took my father's family away too.