Sunday, December 14, 2014
I am kind of considered an "outsider artist". Social class can do this when you lack money for good framing and 80-100 dollar art fees, so years ago, I wanted to work outside the typical art system, which lack of money prevented me from entering. I don't think my art work was bad, just that I lacked the connections and cash. There is also another thing that influences this, I just do not fit in the art world very well. One friend told me, you seem to paint and draw in a multitude of styles. Maybe this an Aspie thing. I know artists need a certain "look" . DIY equals DO IT YOURSELF.
One person warned me when I came in with my art work and 500lb plus body that there could be some discrimination happening there too. So my main endeavor is to work outside the system. With the comic I am working on even, it probably will be a self published pin money affair, but I am having fun with it.
Years ago I had a DIY art show in my poorer rural town. I priced the art works at a normal levels where working class people could afford them instead of that hugely expensive art world prices. I sold 8 pieces of my work. Later we would move to our more affluent town and I had a smaller DIY art show with a couple new paintings. I would sell two works from that one.
Here are some pictures from those art shows. [sorry the quality isn't the best, I had a cheap camera back then during those years]
In the future, I would like to have another DIY art show though my attention is more on the comic now, and try my hand at some craft shows. I would like to make a fat themed art show one day which may be kind of an odd idea. One new thing I am into of course is photography.
I do have a bunch of art work, filling up some bins, I did sell off or give away a lot of art over the years.
I still work on the graphic novel. There are 80 panels so far.. I am way too slow at this, with my body needs seeming to take over my life a lot of times but the other day I was even looking up little pigs to draw a pig farm for a panel dealing with Aunt Confused. I finished a panel about being an Aspie. There will be no other comic like this in the world. I'm doing it for fun, don't know what will come of it yet, but am enjoying it.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Many false churches today tell Christians to enable wicked people and "hug" them. I was told to forgive and reconcile by therapists and ministers with my mother during my first no contact and I gave in and went back for more abuse. I am an old school Christian that believes my Bible when it talks about seared people. Most malignant narcissists and sociopaths, spiritually fit the definition of seared. They are wicked.
Namby pamby hugs aren't going to make someone without a conscience suddenly get one. Here one is opening themselves to the wicked. False watered down Joel Osteen inspired churches aren't telling their congregants about how evil operates. They are telling ear tickling lies from the pulpit.
There is a difference between an ordinary sinner and someone who has chosen evil over and over for decades and handed themselves over to wickedness, with a darkened mind and conscience. When I first became a Christian, being a babe in Christ and unseasoned, I ran to "forgive" my mother and let bygones and opened the door wide for vulnerability and more abuse. I was trying to love a snake. This was not God's will, I just didn't know any better. There was even one time when I decided to be loving and hug her. That was a strange day, it was like hugging a board! She was more annoyed then anything. She never hugged me as a child not even to fake for others.
For me, my faith life ran the no contact bus. God was convicting me to walk away, the bible commandments to depart from the wicked were first in my mind. In my case, my family hates that I am a Christian, to the point I was ordered not to talk of anything religious or of God in my mother's house. Now lest you think I was banging my bible at their house, I did not, I witnessed once or twice and then was in peace but they were so adverse to my faith, that my mother's weird written rules in an email "Don't talk about God' at our family holiday gathering was beyond the pale. I wasn't going to commit idolatry and forsake God to please narcs.
I had to start facing the truth, that my mother and family was evil. Every man sins and I had plenty of my own faults to contend with and sins to repent of. I am even struggling now with anger and envy because life seems to have entered a Job like state with constant illness and problems. However to be a Christian and sitting even in the same room with my family, I felt darkness, it got to be a worse and worse problem. My trained brain, would be telling me to "Calm down", but discernment inside was screaming, "Get away!". I literally started having more physical problems being in their company, where I would get sick. It is even hard to explain how I felt a dark cloud of blackness even around Aunt Scapegoat, who actively and verbally rejected and hated God, and saw true evil and darkness in my mother's eyes, as she told me that she wished Aunt Scapegoat didn't have the surgery to save her life. Even my sister gave me the willies while talking to her on a private message. I couldn't ignore these things. God was convicting me to get away and telling me I could not sell my soul for a would be inheritance.
There can be more mild unseared narcs, where there is a chance for redemption, but for the worse cases, the ones who have turned to the dark side fully, it is a different ballgame. I'm dealt with the worse ones. There was never any remorse, and never any kind feelings. I wrote that my parents were evil in my diaries by my teens. Be careful here, the world will tell people to give narcissists a million chances. I dreamed of the day my mother would apologize or show remorse or the day I could break through. I imagined her being a person she really was not, trying to reach out to a good core, that really did not exist. When it comes to the vampires, sometimes our imaginations will tell us, oh the vampire is really cuddly, the vampire is really not a vampire but this is a time someone needs to get real and face what they are dealing with. I even prayed to get through to my mother for a decade as I tried to reach out to her only to be hurt time and time again.
The fallen away churches will give a place to the wicked. Cowardly flying monkeys and wimps all step aside for the evil but some are so bad, as smakingtosh shows here, they are literally teaching their members to hug the vampires. In that kind of environment, the wicked will be given permission to abuse. The vampires will rule, and being given a place to hurt others. I'm done hugging vampires and the lizards.
1Ti 4:2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;
Mat 7:6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
This is the kind of claptrap you see on Facebook memes all the time. Yes you can hate bad experiences. This is the fuzzy wuzzy, navel gazing, New Age, positive thinking garbage taken to the extreme. You wonder if someone who believes this actually had any bad experiences. My lungs feel like they are going to crawl out of my body, the suffering quotient of my life is so high, I feel like I will go insane. The marshmallow mystics make me nauseous.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Today I am fighting a cold--I think I am winning but my husband is very sick and has been in bed for two days. I am afraid he could end up in the hospital. Hopefully he is getting better, he seems to be sleeping restfully and has been in bed since 7pm last night. Last night, I asked him, "Are you short of breathe"? wondering if he got pneumonia and ready to call the ambulance but he said, "No". By the way, he has absolutely no health insurance and has needed vein surgery for 6 years. We paid cash for him to see a vein doctor who told him he needs a surgery that costs 3,000 dollars upfront. We will never have it. We have a free clinic here at least in the ghetto we live near by. Can we have a little less suffering in this household for once? What's it going to take?
If luck was doled out in equal measures in this life, both me and him would be due to win the Powerball Lotto tomorrow to make up for all the rest. Every month seems to bring a PROBLEM with a capital P. Some pundits would tell me, "Peep that is just life!" but come on, we need a bit more balance around these parts. I wish I could help my husband more. You think I like seeing someone suffer so much I care about?
A pox on all the upper middle class and above houses of his bosses that threw him away including the jerk here, who decided to throw us both into the welfare class instead of letting him be a $40,000 a year copy ad writer. That man destroyed us both. Ah bitterness. Yeah it can eat you up. Remember while my husband has his challenges like every person, just 12 years ago, he had published a book, he had articles in some national magazines on a specific topic, he had what were considered "career jobs" even if lower paying in newspapers. With the anger, I try to bury it under some bible-reading and prayer, but when I see how sick he is, and remember how he used to be, how can I help it? So many out there get destroying people and tossing them to the curb. It doesn't matter if you work hard. They get their jollies off taking a hammer to the little guy's head.
Two job lay-offs, one by a narc and one when he was an assistant newspaper editor with a supportive boss where the company--a newspaper was having economic failure and then THAT GUY. Three slams in a row, and his career never recovered. I imagine yuppies as evil sharks. They don't give a damn about anyone and certainly not about a man with a seriously disabled wife. One little difference, one little ounce of non-conformity and they toss you out the door to rot. A class division is being formed in America where you see the elite thin professionals with their high tech know-how and bean counter lack of emotions and then everyone else who doesn't "fit".
Right now I am fighting his illness too that gave me an asthma attack last night where I dreamed that I woke up in my own bedroom with the temperature spiraling down to 5 below, and filling with snow and being unable to breathe. Panic ensued but I had my inhalers. Right now my lungs feel okay, but the illness he has seems to have dive-bombed direct to his lungs and it tried it with mine. I already have thrush right now too. I feel like I am shutting it away through sheer force of will right at this point.
I wonder if my husband took sick, because in one day, he had the court judge against his car accident case, even with a picture that basically PROVES, that the guy who hit our car, scrapped along the wheel well and along the car side before hitting the door that was only open 1 or 2 inches. The judge didn't care, and said, "I always go with what the police decide". Sorry but to me that is one lazy and poor judge. I was housebound that day and waiting for the doctor, I wish I had been able to go.
The picture was so obvious, we were sure he would win the case. Well guess again, the justice system in America always favors the richer guy. At least in this case, we were fully insured, but I wonder if we have to pay his court fees. This scum bucket waited two days before Thanksgiving and two years to serve us and well it paid off for a suburban guy who lives in a middle class suburb. I am sure he will have plenty of money for the holidays, while we worry about groceries in the house.
You know it's hard. One wants more meaning in their life besides suffering constantly. I asked my husband if he wanted a break from me and the survival slog just to keep a roof over our head and all the care-taking. I said, this would be a rest, not a divorce because I loved him. He has a sister he could go live with though my options without a family are far fewer. He said he did not want to leave me. Hey I don't want him to leave me either I am just worried about him.
I had my own ideas that I did not want to end up in the group home or a nursing home. Why is survival so hard for us? What is wrong with us? He is having health problems and losing functionality. We are both scared. Feeling like the world wants to kick us in the face constantly adds to the fear and angst levels. A loud knock on the door for us means a server instead of an unexpected visit from a smiling neighbor.
If you love someone you do not want them to suffer feeling this way along with you. My husband married me when I was already disabled, so in this case, he knew of the future childlessness and disabilities. These were not sprung on him though when I was younger we thought my health would improve more.
When my husbands career cracked up, our relationship was under extreme pressure. I wanted to go back to my old community at the time. I worried I was bringing him down with my medical needs. I was upset to be taken back and retriggered to my severe poverty I had in Chicago. We had weird discussions, where once I joked, "Maybe we should not stay married and should each find a functional partner that knows how to survive in this world, and who has money". He has two friends with wealthy girlfriends who go on vacations and don't have to worry about money though one has to do caretaking like him. There is an old song, or saying, "When poverty comes in the door, love flies out the window". It definitely has been a test on this relationship.
When we met each other we fell in love very quickly. I still love him, but lately I do worry. Disabilities are not easy on any marriage. Constant money problems aren't either. You also have the issue of an Aspie and another would be Aspie, where sometimes it seems we will be crushed by some smiling neurotypicals who tell us to be positive and give us a long laundry list of how we don't measure up in the world and are responsible for our own suffering. Sadly in this "positive thinking" world one gets that false positive tyranny spiel. It only hurts people. He hasn't given up, he works on another book deal, does freelance, but the struggle is never ending. His health is to the point that getting a menial job when he can't stand more then 20 minutes from DVT, is just not going to work. He is still in the newspaper field with his articles and name in our local papers though more indirectly via stringer work, but I will say this, he deserved a lot better then how they treated him.
I am old school when it comes to marriage. This is one reason we are still together. My religious beliefs are to avoid divorce. Yes I understand sometimes people do end divorced often through no fault of their own. We are friends and can laugh together. We can have great fun together when our spirit is light and it is a good day. He knows more me more then any other person. However I have been sad this year watching what he has gone through. It has made me cry these last few years. I want things to change for the better for us. He has helped keep me going and I believe I am still alive because of him. I just wish the world would take a break from trying to crush us. I want us to have some new happy memories.