Tuesday, October 25, 2016

If They Have Contact With Your Abusers, It's Not Good

I wish I could get Ollie  Matthews in on this case, but I don't have any money to donate.  Ollie is good about hacking through the narcissistic fog. This conversation confused me.  Please translate if you can. I will share my thoughts below. 

I had a recent conversation with a cousin that bugged me. In it he tells me I am "paranoid" for asking him if he was a flying monkey for my mother.  This was the same response another cousin gave me if you remember.

Yeah I let one in back under the door.  I made a huge mistake. This cousin volunteers with wildlife and seems like a nice guy. I felt bad about not talking to him so much. He is the cousin who came to visit in 2014 for an afternoon. He is the cousin who reached out to Aunt Scapegoat before she died, so I have a more forgiving attitude about him then the others. Maybe it's getting me in trouble. I had ghosted him on Facebook with a few others but that is where he contacted me. 

The other week, he sent me a video still of me at 5-6 years old next to the Aunt Who Loved Me. It was the time I was living with my aunt, and these were happy memories. He was not born yet, and his older brother shows up at around 6 months old. His mother is there smiling at me. He has promised me a copy of this video. I fell for it and talked to him really wanting the video because of those good memories. I put important comments in red.

So am I paranoid? Do My Feelings Make Others Feel Bad?

Let me share the conversation on Facebook, I had with him. Like him, I am trying to make the attempt, I did with my brother which failed to open his eyes. Maybe I do that too much. He came to me first to show me the video still. My accusation concerns me wondering if he is a flying monkey. His response is that I am paranoid.

He promised a copy of the video but then I didn't hear back for a few weeks. He went on vacation in the last couple days. I wonder if I had been "had" or if he had contacted me at the behest of my mother.  It's like I have to deaden enough emotions to deal with these people as it is. He is in computer IT, and is one of my relatives who got a very good 6 figure job right out of college.


I want to ask you something direct, when I told you about bad things that happened to me, or about relatives who treated me wrong, why don't you respond?
It is rather invalidating.
Do you not believe me?


Peep continued:

 I feel that way when I talk to you. You sometimes will say and do nice things but even here, I worry you only contacted me at the behest of my mother.
I find myself thinking "Will he send that video, maybe maybe not, he is on vacation"
You ignore a lot of what I write you, so I think why bother. I got the same close out in general from the entire family.
I suppose everyone has believed my mothers lies. Please don't contact me for my mother again.
and if I am wrong, there's a reason people in the family don't trust each other. There's so many liars.
Your trip looks fun I have enjoyed the pictures.
Our communication won't work if you are too afraid to say anything to me. I can tell you are desperately afraid of saying anything "bad" about any relatives.


My Cousin: 

I don't contact you on the behest of anybody but myself.
Sorry I don't always respond right away, or at all. Sometimes I get distracted with other things, sometimes I forget.


 I hope you are telling me the truth.
I had another relative promise me pictures and then told me
Oh your mother told me not to send them.
I know I get busy too.
I need to know
Do you believe me
when I tell you about my mother
because if you do not
I will walk and leave you in peace then

My Cousin:

I do believe she mistreated you (and continues to do so)


Thank you
The family stood by and watched her treat me like that for years.
you are young so I do not hold you responsible.
younger then me.
Do you understand why I do not have contact with some others who are older?

My Cousin: 

I don't think you are adopted. I think you are paranoid (and it is uncomfortable when I am the target of your paranoia) - but that is the result of not having the parenting you deserved.

I am not paranoid, that is what you have been told about me
If that is your true feeling about me [....]
this worries me.

My Cousin:

I understand you not wanting to maintain ties to people that looked the other way when you were being abused.


My mother has used others as flying monkeys in the past. I was not sure in your case
It is hard to know who to trust.

My Cousin:

That's kind of a funny analogy, as messed up as it is!


Thank you for understanding me not wanting to maintain ties with people who looked the other way.
It is best term for it.

My Cousin: 

I hope you don't isolate yourself. The whole world isn't against you. However, I think your feelings make people uncomfortable sometimes - and they might invalidate you to maintain their own "reality" (with a small r).


I was isolated by our family first. I was left out and cut off by other people.  [.....]
My feelings are valid, some may think oh why doesn't she let the past be the past
but the abuse continued to the very day
I walked away

My Cousin: 

About a year ago I was talking with [Aunt Denial], and she told me about a conflict you two had and how she cried about it afterwards - she felt like she was being unfairly accused. And I think you told me that you wrote her off. I can brush off accusations, but some people give up.

Peep: {here I discuss aunt's manipulations, those were definitely croccodile tears or made up--when I went NC with her she had told me she was too busy to write me as detailed on this blog and she never responded to my answer.}

My Cousin: 

I was just trying to make the point that you have made me hurt and uncomfortable with accusations, and that one other person (Aunt Denial) has told me she felt the
 same way. I let it roll off my back. But other people may just turn their back and shut you out. Which sucks. And I don't want to see that happen within the family.


You really were ignoring my statements, maybe letting it roll off your back without any malice to it all
which is why I kept in conversation with you
but with Aunt Denial, I did not give false accusations
it was reality.

My Cousin:

I know I've felt guilty in the past for not getting back to you. And feeling guilty is unpleasant, and it's human nature to go into a place of avoidance (i.e. I don't want to contact Peep, because I feel bad about not getting back to her, and I don't want to feel bad, so I'll just put it out of my mind...).

That's a cycle I've tried to become mindful of in myself, and face head on (at least sometimes)


I dont mean to make people feel guilty, the fact you can feel guilt gives
you one up above several family members
I believe they never feel guilt so you see what you get. LOL

I am just trying to air things out here...

[discussion of narcissism, shared Smakintosh's video "Narcissists Subvert Entire Families", he brings up a relative who ignored him]

My cousin:
But I realized that with him, I was letting my resentment make it impossible for that relationship to heal. The relationship couldn't get better as long as I held on to such resentments. (And it sucks that your mother is so sick , you can't ever have a good relationship with her -- you're best off without contact)

Yes since your father has a conscience, you could heal the relationship, he was merely not thinking or focusing on other things, etc. You could have the relationship heal.

[discussion ends here, he promises me a copy of the video, take care etc]


Some thoughts I am having.....

1. I noticed he focused on his discomfort and the discomfort of the family over "my emotions". This is not someone I harangue but probably have a talk to 5-6 times a year. Remember he contacted me first and this discussion came later.

2. It bothers me how he told me my emotions bothered him and others. When he referred to "reality" small R, it sounded like he knew I was upsetting people via some truthful confrontations but there was also this message, "your feelings make people feel bad". 

2. It scares me how Aunt Denial told him she cried. I told my husband how this conversation and he said, "There is no way Aunt Denial cried, she didn't care that much about anything. I can't even imagine the woman crying at all." I suspected her of being a narcissist too though more covert in this case, but now this is huge evidence she is a horrible manipulator. Aunt Denial when I went no contact did not respond to me or say "I am sorry, or "Can we talk?" She had shoved me away multiple times. The idea that she would be crying her eyes out over me is foreign as crazy. This tells me that there has been severe manipulation from that angle too.

4. I heard the comments about the avoidance of guilt from another cousin.  Now this may be an Aspie blind spot, but doesn't guilt push people to action or to "fix the problem"? I have gotten behind on emails with friends and phone calls but don't avoid them as the answer to that problem.

5. He admits the abuse which is a further step then others, but he has kept contact with my mother. I forget who it was, but one ACON writer and spokesperson said, "Never trust anyone who keeps contact with your abuser". It may have been several I heard this from.

6. He tells me not to isolate myself. What is that all about?

7. I feel like crap whenever I talk to any of them. It is hard to even explain. He at least is one that admits a few things, but I am on the fence on how to proceed with him. The whole matter is depressing. The others have obviously lied and manipulated him like Aunt Denial.

8. What scares me is he mentions "accusations" like I call him up screaming he did something wrong, every minute. The only accusation I've ever given him is the one you see above, that he contacted me on behest of my mother.

They are colder and clinical people I can't talk to. This one may have emotions but he is definitely someone I won't make a habit to open up to.

I made too many mistakes here, I JADED, I opened up to someone who has contact with my abusers. He may not be a "bad" person like them but he is definitely influenced by them and in their fog. That can bring harm to an escaped scapegoat in itself.

 I have kept him on my Facebook to even tell me when deaths occur in the family and he is the one who informed me of Aunt Scapegoat's death and my brother did too, but I no longer have contact with my brother.

I think some scapegoats, there is that feeling of knowing no matter what you say or do, you always "lose" and with all of them too. I allowed my emotions to sway me wanting a copy of the video of me with my loved aunt almost taking a step back in my recovery.

I had felt better since going NC from the family. He revived old feelings in me of low-self worth and blame and I realize whenever I talk to any of them while in this case he admits my mother's misdeeds, I am always the one in the wrong and have "emotions" that are bad and wrong too all these people.  That is one thing I have noticed with all of them how they tell me I am always wrong.

He oddly got himself involved in my adoption questions, I had asked him if he ever heard anything and before he told me he went around asking everyone and they told him I wasn't. I never asked him to do this. He seems almost overly adamant about that issue because I had admitted to him I did not know either way. Whatever the rhyme or reason, I have to stay away. They make me feel bad and upset. ALL OF THEM.

Any opinions will be welcome here.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

This Blog Has Hit A Million Views!

Time to celebrate the million milestone! Yes the blog is 6 years old, but I do think that isn't such a bad number. I feel happy to have been able to share and write the things I have over the years, talking about obesity in an honest way, Lipedema, being an ACON and the many variables of the "fivehundredpoundpeep" life. Queen Spider wouldn't like how much this blog has been read, but I am thankful for all my readers. :)

Pay Us for Twenty Year Old Parking Tickets!

Chicago what a grand place. NOT! Chicago is a psychotic money-grubbing place where the evil rule the day. If anyone wonders why America is undergoing moral and economic collapse, here you go! Why are Americans so pissed off and angry? Being crushed every second does bad things to your morale!

Yesterday while my husband laid moaning in bed with very bad gout unable to walk, and I was fetching him food and other things, and we discussed even taking him to the ER, but he held out to go to the doctor monday, he told me to go get the mail, so I did while taking the trash out on my walker.

In it was a notice from some low-level Chicago lawyers demanding 456.00 dollars from parking tickets datedback to 1997 and 1998! Is that psychotic or what? In Chicago even if you parked legally, they'd give you tickets, it happened to me.

I had my own problems with them hunting me down like a dirty dog wanting tickets money. My husband says the city must be going under to be this desperate in seeking funds. In 2004 or so, I was forced to pay for 11 year old parking tickets and it cost even more. There was no statue of limitations nothing, even Legal Aid threw me to the wolves. If anyone thinks America is a "free country", don't make me laugh. They even tried to take my license away in another state because of Chicago but I was able to pay it off back then.

We have declared bankruptcy since then so have a get-out clause on these parking tickets, but that means more time making copies and writing legal letters, I don't want to do.  Yes, the bean counters are tracking down 20 year old parking tickets. We don't even remember getting these tickets or even if they are legit. In Chicago, they loved to do things like tow legally parked cards and give your legally parked car tickets. It is a really corrupt place. Getting out of there was the best decision we ever made.

Update: 10/25/2016

Sometimes for the sake of martial peace one backs down. I was ready to start war at home over this. I am ready to punch a hole in the wall.

He says he will pay them if they provide copies and plans to call the bankruptcy lawyer.
Supposedly Chapter 7 may not cover them.  Its a large amount of money over 400 dollars too.

I think we should refuse to pay on principle. He is worried about his license being taken away which I understand. I even said, "Call the media, these people should be embarrassed!"

They are twenty years old, well one is 19 technically, but come on, there's crimes on the books where the statute of limitations is far less. I am so disgusted, I feel like throwing up. I have never been so angry. I got tortured over 11 year old parking tickets back in 2004. I paid them off at great stress and expense. It was over a thousand dollars. Many of them weren't even legit  and I had no memory of them but I was too sick and far away to go to Chicago to fight in court. They quadruple tickets if you don't have money within three months.
I got mad and yelled at husband, "I don't even have enough underwear or food, screw their parking tickets!" I then told him, we are going to demand copies in writing. I am hoping they can't find the copies, to prove the tickets. We don't even think they are legitimate. I tried to get medical records from Chicago that were 15 years old and they didn't have them.

I then bit my tongue and left the room because I was about to lose it and fighting with him is not going to solve any problems. If I one day take to the streets and just go live in the woods nameless, rip and shred every bill on the planet, then the rest of you will understand why.  It wouldn't have been tolerated 25-50 years ago. Well maybe they are going after some guy for 50 year old parking tickets but he's been buried in the cemetery for 30. We made peace later.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Latest Painting and Painting Class

They had us do a quick study of a copper pot with a limited palette at my art class. I enjoyed doing this painting and have begun a still life based on the limited palette adding one more color of ochre.
It is interesting to me how I can get lost in painting. Some of those pundits would call it the flow where you work on something with such concentration time passes by very quickly.

When those moments can be found in life they are much more enjoyable. When I find a scanner I still plan to do something with the 140 pages of the comic, but I applied for the art scholarship, knowing I needed structure to get back into my painting. I always have loved this art center, I took a drawing class in it in 2009 and never miss a show there. Here is our classroom and a picture of the edge of my glass palette.

They are reviewing basics with me that are helpful such a color theory. There is always something new to be learned. When I took the class I did not tell them I used to be an art teacher, all skill levels are welcomed. The sub art teacher yesterday said, "You definitely seem to be someone with some past painting experience". I didn't talk not even then. I didn't want the pressures in case I flubbed something up. There's one elderly lady in there who has a unique painting style and I think she is experienced too from what I can tell.  I would like to paint something that could get into a show, since I have only done DIY shows and want to sharpen up some skills.

Having an art studio would be great, it's far easier to paint in a place where you can clean up and not worry about spilling paint on the carpet. Anyhow I am having a lot of fun in this painting class.

Feeling Like Deer in the Headlights Way Too Often: Now How Do We Change It

How does one make real money?

1. Don't be disabled.
2. Don't be a scapegoat
3. Don't be nearly deaf and fat.

I hate that deer in the head lights feeling. Every time we get sucker punch emergency, I run around scrambling in my mind.  This time the battery died on our car. We will be able to get it fixed but for people like us, that is scary business.

I used the  Dial A Ride bus to get where I had to go, during the week by myself , my goal of getting more independence that way has come true.

 My husband nixes all my ideas to fix things.

Peep: "Let's get rid of almost everything and  move into a rental room or boarding house and hoard what little money we got!"

He then reminds me, "your medical equipment even without your hospital bed would fill up most small rental rooms".

Peep: "When I was single I ate cold beans out of the can and ramen noodles, and lived in boarding houses."

He responds: "You can't live that way now and you know it."

I then realize, "I am not neat enough for most normal people to tolerate!" I am too Aspie and piss roommates off without meaning to. 

and most rental rooms have STAIRS.

Then we have the discussion, "Maybe we should find someone to move in with to take the pressures off!"

I then say, "That breaks my adult rule of never living with anyone, at least if we get a roommate we would be the ones in charge!"

Your sister would boss us around, she would own us!  I can't be a mooch and have people boss me around. I hate her huge city! She rented an apartment with a steep double stair case I could never do where all the bedrooms are. 

Peep: "Lets get a disability apartment then!"

Peep's Husband: "We were 500 dollars over the cut off last year for 2 people, 

Peep: "well make less this year," [felt dumb saying this]

Peep's husband,  "no we need all the money I can make"

Peep: This rent is costing two thirds of my disability check. [he pays the other bills]

 Peep's husband: "They'll punish me and raise the rent every-time I make more money. It's not exactly a motivator.  It will be only a 100 under what we pay here for exactly half the size"

We have visited the disabled apartments so know what they look like. They aren't thrilled about self employed people happening by.

Peep: "Maybe we should move back to our old town, the rent is cheaper, or move to an even more rural area"

Peep's Husband: "There's no free clinic there for me, there's no charities. We were working class when we lived there.  You will lose your lymph therapist, dentist and house call doctors. "

Peep: "We can't move away from the Dial-A Ride territory. Our car is too old too. The bigger cities are more expensive and the rent would be 50 percent more. " This town has a PACE program I want to enter too. [this is program for disabled and elderly that keeps you out of the nursing home. I know the future of where my body is going]

Peep's Husband: "The bills are crushing us. You gotta do something about those medical bills, we can't afford the almost 100 in payment plans you got going"

Peep: "I have to pay them or they will put me in collections. I don't know what to do. Every option I think of stinks or my health can't tolerate it. Should I get my mammogram done, that will be 17 bucks co-pay."

Peep's Husband: Get that done.

Peep: "I am out of money, can you give me three dollars to take the bus to art class Thursday?" [I got the art class for free basically-scholarship application]

Peep's Husband: "Yes, I made 20 dollars transcribing, I transferred in. It should be here tomorrow.

and so it goes....

This area is charitable at least, the food coop basically has bailed us out big time in being able to eat. They will give us decent foods like organic bread, bran cereal, and meat! Meat is very rare at food pantries, so joining that food co-op has helped my life.  They gave us a roast beef. The last time I bought a roast beef and made it was 2002.  Our old town didn't have near as much charity as this place.

This place has churches with community dinners and we have gotten other help here.  Getting an art class and having free book clubs to go to is other bonuses. I have gotten better at getting help, I was on the waiting list for the food co-op for almost a year. Don't want to give that up.

I have told him we need to hold on to our apartment too, it is safe and quiet and one can't take that for granted. I am praying we don't get a huge rent increase. Life for the poor is not easy. I know my husband is getting worn down and stressed out a lot. We consider having him reapply for disability but he is in the nether reasons, too old and sick to get hired for a regular job or to keep it, but deemed too healthy for full disability. I certainly don't want him as bad off as I am. His gout is worsening. When he gets a bad attack, I walk better then him.

Sometimes I wish I knew other poor people just to know how to survive and WHAT IS NORMAL? Does that sound strange? Maybe not. We talk to some acquaintances in the inner city we definitely relate to far more in terms of economic survival. Trying to survive poverty or figure out what to do is like a puzzle, I have not been able to solve for years. Some may see success in avoiding being homeless.  We need to reach out to more fellow poor people.  When people fall down the ladder like us, it is hard to know what is "normal", how do others manage it. It's like a whole territory of unknown information and unspoken ways.

Sometimes part of my mind wonders how the narcissists got so rich. I know many of them steal everything that isn't nailed down. I wonder even how my mother afforded two 50,000 dollar cars within the last three years. She got her big insurance pay-out in 1998, with all her shopping it seems she would have run out of money but in my world narcs never do. The rest are traveling to Europe and buying vacation homes. It was mind boggling to watch. They never taught me how to live life that way. If I had money I would never waste it the way those people do.

I don't mind a more simple life, for me my desire is just to live without the fear and stress. I sometimes just want to say to husband, "look just accept it." If we end up in the streets, I don't want to be crying the rest of my way through life. I am disabled enough, that if society is standing they have to put me in a home of some sort. [I think] 

One day I got frustrated and yelled, "Lets call the social workers now, and tell them to put us both in a group home!" Let others worry for us!" He thinks I am being melodramatic at these times. I know I have to cool it on my end too at times. He worries about money 24/7. It gets to me. Sometimes I just want to go through a day and not think about money.  I am bad enough worrying about it, obviously from my blog, but he worries even more in a way. Every dime is calculated at every second. He checks our bank account daily to see what is in there even if it is 3 dollars which is where it is at about now.

I have told him maybe we need to adjust our view towards money and life.  Just go through life and live each day. Our panic and fear is making things worse. Chances are barring a Lotto win, we are going to be this poor for the rest of our life. We need to keep life simple and give up some expectations. I was thinking about this while waiting for the bus. It sucks feeling like the mooch and feeling the burdens of worrying people hate you for being poor or always in need but at this point we can't do anything about it. Say thanks to people who help us at the charities and just go on with life.

He is still "driven" and was raised to "succeed" and I know this has taken a toll on him, he grew up a very gifted writer and student expecting better things for his life. His family was lower middle class but a kind of life was detailed for him that did not happen. In my case, I was raised around upper middle class people and wealthy people who had jobs and massive connections. Life simply went by the script for these people. I need to write the connection article soon too just to show you how extreme things were. I was given expectations about life that did not pan out. There's a point where for your happiness you have to adjust expectations. 

I even have thought, why cry and scream and get depressed even if the worse happens? If I die sitting next to a tree in the woods, God will have me. My rent is paid so that's not a concern presently.  I am burnt out. I know one of my personality traits married to resourcefulness and the drive to prepare can actually work against me in the worrying about poverty. I try to pre-plan for all scenarios and a person can drive themselves crazy. While this has helped me, in that I get needs met, it can work against me too.

With my husband, he had a newspaper career and more, he thought would pan out to something better. Even now he seems to dream of a "better future" and is trying to write a book with a partner, that actually was granted publishing already. He has that strange marriage of being "driven for success" but having ended up in poverty, sometimes that can be a bad mixture for someone. It's weird to watch someone work so hard even after all this.

I wish I could figure things out, or how to fix this all, well I have tried for years to figure it all out. I supposedly have a higher IQ, but it's not when it comes to making money.  I can't control it and I'm sick of trying to fix it and beating my head against that brick wall.  Adjusting expectations means more happiness, but we need to figure out what to do about the fear factor.  I know this is a major left over from our Chicago years.

Peep Writes about Being Poor

Do You Believe in Chemtrails?

Am I a "crazy" conspiracy theorist to think our skies looked kind of weird over the last few days? All these pictures were taken within the last three days.  I usually have a camera on me. One I took while bored waiting for the bus. When you see "crosses" in the sky,  that's kind of odd. I live in a rural area, no giant airport within 100 miles. One friend when I showed the first one on Facebook asked if the National Guard was out, I said I sure didn't see any of them.

Should I Consider Pain Killers?

I have to clean this weekend and my body in pain will protest. I didn't even want to make dinner last night but had to. No choice in the matter.  When you feel like smashing the dishes into the trashcan instead of washing them that is not a good sign. Disabled people can fail to clean, there's a million movements to keep one apartment clean and my body only wants to do some of them. I see all the undone tasks and it's torture. Wanting to cry over undone dishes, is not a good development.

When I do other activities like going on the bus to art class and appointment and having a friend visit for  few days, all energy is put one direction, other things SLIDE. My body hurts a lot. Sometimes I think I may have to ask the doctor for pain killers just to function. Some shout "You will become an addict", I avoided pain killers fearing I would never poop again. I may need them now to keep the apartment clean and to function.

What is scary about my body is the more I exercise, is the more it breaks down, it's not supposed to work that way but it does. I tell doctors this and they tell me I need to go rest, and I am more active then most people my size. You will see me fade as a day goes through hunching over my walker, groaning and moaning near the days end. My doctors have told me many people my size are completely bed bound or housebound from not being able to walk. They smile at me and say things like, "You are doing well, keep at it." Maybe this is from their shock that I am still alive.  It's like living in hell knowing no matter how perfectly I eat or move around nothing burns off.  The body gives me endless middle fingers for telling it to do anything. I am having one of those days I plan to spend in bed. I will get up to shower and to do one bout of dishes, maybe wrap and move around for a few hours but the majority will be here in bed. The "collapses" are coming more frequently.

I have wondered though, what if I had the pain killers and could do more? Yes I fear addiction. I am the kind of woman who won't even take Tylenol unless I am dying.  I tough out migraines with nothing. I got Codeine for my dental surgery and it's the only painkiller I've taken in 5-6 years outside the  Bentyl for IBS from some years ago.  Codeine I seem to tolerate well though it makes me sleep more. The doctors may say no anyhow.

I can END my PAIN too, if I do a Flexitouch session and stay in bed for many hours. I am not in pain now after being in bed except the usual low level ache, that is always present.

Last night though I felt like I could barely walk myself. Every step felt like torture. I had gone to my art class and been on the bus both ways there, with waiting time. I walked around the art center. I had cooked dinner the night before and served husband lunch before I left. I collapsed into bed for the afternoon and got up and made dinner, and then did  the dishes, I did not want to do.

 I used to be able to block out pain. Doctors have marveled at my ability to block out kidney stone pain, I didn't tell them about the time I suspected I literally passed out and even the mammogram woman, said something weird to me last November saying, "You are used to a lot of pain, I have never seen a woman this stoic, getting a mammogram exam." as she squished my boobies. On the pain meter, she didn't realize that was barely nothing.

It gets sad, when people see us both limping around. He has a bad case of gout, and can't walk.  When your caretaker can't walk and your car is temporarily broken down--it is the battery, life gets scary. I am worried about my husband.  Last weekend I was at the veggie stand--limping after a friend's visit gathering up the vegetables to buy and he was unable to walk and limped in to pay and one healthy chipper lady said to me, "Are you two going to make it?"

I may be asking doctors for pain killers to be used on worse days. Maybe there is one that is not addictive. The war on drugs has made too much weirdness when it comes to pain killers. I don't look forward to being treated like a drug addict if I do go on some. I have put it off as long as I can too. They may say "No", so it will be a moot point.  I also fear pain killers lower metabolism, so that kept me off them too this long.  Any Lipedema peple please chime in on this one. If you are on pain killers chime in on this one. Maybe I should research natural ways to relieve pain too.

Now trolls don't tell me to "lose weight". Your magic spell isn't working for me.  My food has been reduced  via involuntary means, I have been doing more, from necessity and exercise is no help to me either. So in advance go bugger off.