Sunday, August 2, 2015

Goodbye to Worm-hood

Goodbye to Worm-hood.

What has two years of NC wrought? I'm tired of being treated like a worm and there seems to be a lot of narcissistic trash to clean out.

Sure inside I worry I will be left alone, but better alone then disrespected and treated like a worm.

I realize that doctor caught me on a bad day, I felt sick and weak and illness was taking over. Sometimes this week I am angry because if I had not gotten so stressed the tide may have not turned for the worse. For once I wanted the jerk brigade to ease up. I was so sick, I felt like tossing my phone out the window and nailing the door shut. I didn't want to deal with anyone.

 When he lectured me not answering the phone I should have answered "Maybe you should learn how to knock on a door."  Ah the things I didn't say.

I am pondering the now possibility that I was gas-lighted because I get my COPD medicine and CPAP supplies by surprise--yeah I know the general week, and I never have missed the mailman, who knocks with a firm knock on the door to deliver these things! Yes I'm hearing impaired but its a metal door where the sound carries. Even if I was crying, they should not have ignored me, and I only cried two minutes not for an hour or anything. It puts me on severe edge to have a doctor I am unsure about. The fact he was so soon to criticize me, means the guy gets one more chance and if he treats me bad, I will complain. I have asked my husband to sit in on the next session with me.

I'm praying he tells his boss to transfer me, that he sees me as a pain in the butt and a "troublemaker", maybe I will get my old doctor back, the one I can talk to without fear.

The other week, the dental assistant lectured me overly and even asked me "Did you brush your teeth?" I got a Water-Pik I am using daily but sometimes I have thought about that question and her criticisms. Is it because I am a charity patient? Her teeth are crooked and brown while mine are mostly white and straight except for all the fillings. Is she jealous? Does she hate fat people? Does she consider it my fault my teeth are rotting fast? She lectures me like I am ten years old. Even if I was strung out on crack, and meth and sleeping in the gutter and don't own one toothbrush, it's none of her business.

I think the diabetes getting out of control altered the ph of my mouth. I brushed my teeth for a long time that morning. Her asking me if I brushed them, felt like an insult. There is one nice dental assistant and then this one. One thing when poor people speak of subtle or overt put-downs, they are real!

These are two times I wanted to tell people off but shut up because I need their services and am dependent on them but I do know with the doctor unless he had a bad day and I really did not hear the door--maybe my nebulizer drowned out the knocking, he gets one more chance and if he is mean, he will be out. If he is nice, then things will be okay. I don't know exactly what happened which is the only reason for the second chance!

With the dental assistant the next time she asks me if I brushed my teeth, I am going to tell her, "No more lectures!". I actually brush my teeth three times a day. I will simply say, "No more!". You have to know inside I don't want to lose my charity status there, and maybe the woman knows it. Maybe she thinks she is being helpful but I have to say something if it keeps happening. If she claims I am not brushing my teeth after using a Water-Pik everyday that blasts the teeth hard, then I will know she is trying to get my goat and messing with me.

I can't take anymore disrespect not from anyone. I'm wore out from it. It seems there aren't enough people who want to remind me of my lowly status. Even the guy who wrote, "We need to talk" all over my Facebook page and then blew me off is going to hear something about it.  To me this is clear disrespect and has moved him to undependable status in my mind. Do you think I am going to do any more favors for him? Nope. Unless he has been hospitalized or is homeless from his girlfriend kicking him out, then not many excuses will cut it.

There was a lesson to be learned there too, I want to be helpful and nice and I get burned. Years ago at a volunteer gig, these people were angry I did not make a good brochure, I sweated for hours. I am a bad graphic designer even if a good painter and drawer. These folks talked me into doing a brochure for our self help group. Big mistake. I had a new program, on my computer, and couldn't figure it out. They were angry I didn't come up with the goods fast enough. If you do volunteer work or things in your community, take some advice from me. Avoid doing brochures like the plague. No one is ever happy with them. The computer programs are over-complicated and impossible to use. I finally got a simple one done on older computer but can tell they are not happy with that either. People often will make demands while not giving any real help.

I need to take care of myself and not sign up for things I am wary of. A lesson learned this time around. I even said, I was worried about doing it but should have just said the word "NO".

It wears me out that there are simply so many mean people out there. Some of these people seem to feel no compunction in trying to correct or criticize me. That is one thing I have noticed that seems to be happening to me. I have sat and analyzed the reasons trust me.  The fix-it jerks have pushed me to my limits.

Do people see me as weak? Is it low status in American society? Is it my poverty where they think this is some "loser" fat woman they can just kick around? A life spent dealing with this crap to be frank is tearing me apart. I am tired and have become more socially anxious. I am tempted to fly the middle finger flag and slam the door in their faces too.

That one ex-friend did a number on me. The weekend before she decided to skewer me, we were laughing together. She appeared like she was having fun. She must be the best damn actress in the world. There are people who have no loyalty to anyone. She wrote me in our last emails, how we laughed together ". I should have wrote back, "Was it all fake?" Some people do not even attach the same way. They "move on" from things and people. I remember this quality in my mother.

Since I got away from the project friend, these are things coming to my mind. Why do people want to "correct" me so badly? Why do they only see me as a fix-it project and not a human being? It seems to be happening all over. It has brought me a lot of self-analysis. It has taught me to keep my mouth more shut about my problems but even there too many show.

What does it mean when people expect things of you, you really cannot deliver? I don't want to spend my life being emotionally beaten up by people telling me, "I am not good enough or that I don't do enough."  I want healthy and loving and trustworthy relationships. I have my marriage and good friends but I am being burned too often.

The worse thing that happens with ACONS is these narcissistic parents set us up for a life time of this garbage. We are never loved, we are told day in and day out that nothing is good enough. It sets us up when it comes to other people. We have been trained by the narcissistic parents to take abuse. The world figures out too fast when people have no allies or kinfolk who care. One thing about children who are bullied, is I believe most are being bullied at home too. Predators pick up on those who are vulnerable and have no one to protect them.

This meme is absolutely correct that the abuse of our parents sets us up for more abuse later. Being an Aspie can even complicate this further.

An old close college friend of mine and I have had these discussions about what has happened to us. This friend lives long distance but we talk weekly. We used to say that others could tell we had been abused and we had been "marked" somehow bringing abuse from others. I do think while this is true to an extent, it is not our fault, the way we were raised in being deferential, in being hyper-vigilant to other's needs and emotions actually set things up for more abuse.

I know my abusers fed off my fear and desire to please. Fear is something they feed off of and get their jollies off. My severe poverty was something my evil mother used, and I believe she helped to set it up too. Not getting your daughter needed medical help is one way to ensure severe poverty as an adult.

As I got older and started fighting back some it helped some of the abuse I got from other people. Things improved when I lived in my older town, but I was younger too. I think because I am so sick and have felt more vulnerable, the wolves have come out to play more.

These are issues I definitely plan to work on with my therapist. I know the evil criticisms of narcissists and dealing with being a severe chronically ill woman and Aspie have mixed together in a bad stew. This is something to free myself from.

I am working on myself, because I don't want to people please anymore or give way for abusers. With these two circumstances, while I am taking a wait and see stance, I may be put in the place of having to protect myself. It gets wearing that it is required over and over. Life is filled with so much BS because of narcissists and their ilk.

My only answer for all this is to say "goodbye to worm-hood". Part of me worries I will die, standing up against people abusing me in general but I can't take it anymore anywhere. I've had enough. I know some nice people and good friends who are often too far away but even they are telling me that the numbers of jerks seem to have taken off like a rocket. They feel worn out. Some feel lonely and bereft too save for our mutual friendships.  Even ones who are far more financially stable then me, are going through abusive doctors and handy-man gauntlets. This world is getting meaner and meaner. I fear a chilling of my own soul just from dealing with so many evil people.

I went no contact two years ago thinking, "Im done with being a worm." I was focused on the family but now I realize how many other toxics have wiggled their way in. This world seems full of cold, mean, boy-scouts and girl-scouts from the gates of hell.

One thing I started doing, is criticizing people back who had no problem unloading criticism on me. It is something I have to remember to do when circumstances call for it. Us Aspies don't naturally work this way.  I get too scared especially if it is someone I perceive as having some power over me but even there, I need to not let cowardice make me back down before narcissists. Right now I will give benefit of the doubt because I don't maybe know what happened for sure, but if I see anymore evidence of meanness, I won't put up with it.

Some may say, that is not very Christian, but why should I sit there, and allow others to rip me to shreds and act like they are superior to me?  They have faults too. They have no problem saying whatever they want to me. Some of them do things that bother me that I remained silent and quiet about. The wolves will rend you. You can't trust them. Every word out of their mouth is a lie.

Lobbing back a criticism can be a good test to see if you are dealing with a narcissist or not. Why? Because narcissists are perfect and don't do anything wrong, they are superior. One little mild criticism will make a narcissist get immediately angry. I don't recommend sending them into rages around you on a regular basis but at least this will help you know what you are dealing with, and then at that point its time to GET AWAY. You will know you are wasting your time and that a wolf has entered in the door. Narcissists never say they are sorry or apologize either. Don't waste your breathe waiting for that one.

I don't want any more of their crap criticism. All it ever did was rip me down. They never really helped. They expected me to fix the American economy and to control sociopaths behind desks with remote control. I was supposed to become a perfect housewife on money that would leave many in the street. None of them went through what I went through. You want to judge someone who has been severely sick since their 20s?  Kiss my butt! Their lives have been coasting down easy street screwing people over right and left. The same goes for my spoiled mother with her new cars and vacations.

One thing I have noticed in our sick society is how everything now is about measuring up. Maybe I am around a bunch of soul-less and brainwashed people but I feel like vomiting. They all get out their measuring sticks, and they aren't measuring character, or kindness or anything like that but your body, your money, what you own. And if you are found lacking, they condemn and judge you. Their judgments mean nothing.

It hurts you know. They treat me like someone like themselves with no feelings. They seem to have none. They give you long lists of bullcrap with cold dead eyes. They think if you are disabled or fat or have lower status they don't even have to give you basic respect. It makes me sick. Every human being on this planet deserves respect especially ourselves.

I'm not putting up with it anymore. Goodbye to worm-hood. 

Food and Cooking When You are Poor

This news report is a bit annoying with the focus on chocolate, which is a non-essential and treat food, but obviously the prices are going up. I am dying for a salad. Prepared foods are all bad for you. Since I got my disability, I'm actually going to send husband to the store and say "Get me some oranges". When sick I need more vitamin C. Maybe I will make some soup too with a little bit of left over chicken. My leg seems to be healing but this is frightening stuff when it does happen.

The idiot weight mongers will think all us fat people can live on nothing but cheap frozen broccoli, but I have noticed the scope of food getting worse.  One day I had us go to a restaurant with a great special where we could eat a meal each for 5 dollars. Maybe they knew the people with the coupon were coming since I thought some vegetables would come with my dish and they were microscopic including the piece of the tomato. Even the grilled chicken that was supposed to accompany it consisted of two teeny tiny pieces--I'm not a meat glutton, even the deck of cards rule is not one I find horrendous but this was a bit much. The food prices must be going up for the restaurants too.

If you want to eat well while poor, you have to work at it. In my case this means going multiple places, to do the shopping maybe a wealthier person could take care of in one store. I'm sometimes having to feed two people on 60 or 70 dollars a week. If I was not diabetic and did not have food allergies to eggs and potatoes, there would be definitely more lee-way but I do what I can.

 Remember I am a person who has had to dumpster dive to eat, so I understand when people have nothing. Here I am trying to make do with what I have.  There are months where we have far more and far less. This month we were able to skip the food pantries but last month we had to go to them. I know unlike many people with jobs, I have more time to cook and plan. On this post, I will share some of what I do. This post is risky as I am sure some of the fat logic types would scream, "You are fat, you shouldn't be eating at all!".

  The veggie stands help this time of year but if we didn't have a car, we wouldn't see one of those. We have to drive 8 miles to get to the closest ones and they are all in the suburban/outskirt areas. The only veggie stand in town, is the Saturday morning overpriced one for yuppie tourists we can't afford. However we do go to this one that is on a farm, and this guy grows everything from special peppers to different kinds of onions. I'll be over there Monday. I can get two big bags of vegetables for 14 dollars and plenty of good eating. With vegetables you can make stir fry. I really want a wok! Here is one stir fry I made that turned out tasty.

 Being able to return dairy to my diet has helped me a lot, cottage cheese is friendly enough to diabetes especially when a small portion can kill hunger pain and it's not that expensive. The miracle of Lactase milk has brought dairy back to my life. Imagine ten years without pizza, I couldn't eat any cheese except expensive lactase free veggie shreds.  I will need to be careful since cheese can bring calories and fat but my food has been tastier with some of this added back to my diet.

We have gone back to Aldis or you may call it Save-A-Lot and the Mexican market to get food. They have recently improved their food quality introducing organic foods and lowering the salt. At the Mexican market I buy corn tortillas, cans of hominy, hot sauce, queso fresca, and chicken.  Sometimes I get flour tortillas but I have been passing those up more since they seem to raise my sugars. The chicken there, tastes far superior to any other grocery store, to the point it blows my mind. If foodees in this town discovered their chicken they'd probably take the place over but they do fill the place up to eat at their attached restaurant even with the place being on the edge of a bad neighborhood. Even with my walker theft, the good deals drew us back. They also have good cheap vegetables. I hope pablano peppers are good for you because I have been eating a lot of them. Tomatoes, avacados, pablanos and big bunches of cilantro are other things to buy there.

  The regular super-markets have priced us out for good except when we buy one or two things. I cook from scratch a lot and can cook anything which helps. Years ago I worked in restaurants. The only thing I am not as good at is baking but even there I muddle through. I invent recipes all the time. Here is a soup I invented, which had curry powder, left over chicken and rice, cauliflower and pablano peppers in it. I also cook a lot of what the Mexicans call "pozole" which is hominy soup made with various peppers and tomatoes

Soup is a life-saver when you are poor. Often there are left-overs of it. You also can cobble together left over meat, vegetables and other things to put a soup together. Soup is lower in calories too and a nutrient rich food. By the way don't use crappy chicken stock, the cans are more expensive then the long run. I stick with Better Than Bouillon. I have boiled chicken bones and cheaper parts to make my own chicken stock as well. Here is one favorite soup I make all the time, and it is one I feel better after eating. It contains cut up tomatoes--try and get the best you can get, cooked with mint in olive oil, salt and pepper, a little bit of garlic, cut up chicken broth, some chicken meat and cut up fresh parsley, a dash of Tabasco and a shot of a good rice vinegar or lemon juice. Sometimes it is good with orzo too.

We will be okay this month but to make sure we are okay, I have to plan buying the food out like a military mission. I will need to go to four places to acquire decent food. If I wasn't married, I'd probably be in the streets with a tin cup. Sometimes I see the poor souls down at the monthly church soup kitchen we go on occasion to but while we go when we need to, and have months we can skip, others are down there like clockwork and that includes the mobile and other food pantries. Sometimes it is scary to watch the yuppies buying junk food and alcohol for their endless social gatherings and know there people even going more hungry down the street. The food pantries have been packed around here lately.

I had a nice friend send me a Mexican cook book, it will help. I cook real Mexican food, not the Tex-Mex stuff which is more full of fat and calories. Hey go to a Mexican market why not learn to cook like the folks there? Here are some tacos I made with cilantro, queso fresca, and onion and skirt steak that had been marinated and cooked.  By the way these kind of tacos are far more economically viable. One round of queso fresca can last us for a several meals, since a little crumble will do you.

When the veggie stands are in full swing it is easier too. At least the tomatoes have taste to them. The prices are going higher. Sometimes because of my past I fear the hungry days coming back. Yes that is the irony of my fatness, that in my 20s I could not afford food and my memories of empty refrigerators and dumpster diving for food have stayed with me. I'm not sure if these things will ever leave my memory banks. These are candy-days compared to those times even if we struggle, no one is missing a meal, which is impossible to do with diabetes.

One thing I will spend money on when I have it, is good bread. I have made my own bread before and am trying to improve my own bread so I don't have to buy the expensive stuff. Until I can find real yeast and the bread doesn't come out so dense, then buying it is necessary. Do they sell only wimpy yeast that doesn't work to keep the bakers in business? Anyhow these bakers are great!

Good bread vs bad bread will affect blood sugars far differently. I even "feel" different when I eat good bread. Some extremists will say someone fat like me never should eat bread, but low carb in my case and in my body makes my sugars go nuts. I should know. There is a bakery in this town that has won baking awards and makes everything from scratch. This is a big sandwich I made for my husband at a picnic, and even one piece of this stuff will last a person. It is a multi-grain bread that has everything in it from flax to millet. If you are going to eat carbs, get some bang for your buck. Make it complex and don't waste the calories on fluff.

 Right now we scoured the bottom of the barrel so far I'm out of soy sauce, chicken stock and essentials of cooking that will need re-stocking. I will be at my charity dentist soon and will be close to some Asian grocery stores where I can stock up on things that are one-fourth the price of the normal grocery stores. Yes they are that much cheaper. You get a huge bottle of rice vinegar that is 4.50, and they charge 4.00 in the regular grocery stores for a teeny tiny bottle. The soy sauces are of superior quality and cheaper too. I paid 5.00 for this big soy sauce bottle that lasted me for months when they want 3.69 for a teeny bottle of Kikoman at the mainstream grocery stores.

Another thing I will buy and this is an extremely low calorie food I love, but it is very expensive in regular grocery stores is some Nori, which is dried and seasoned seaweed.

 I cooked some weird concoction of leftover vegetables, with one little drop of oil that was left, with some turmeric and other seasonings to go with chicken last night. Two old tomatoes served as snacks yesterday. I have to wait for the temperature to go down but will go back to the cheaper two stores when I can. I sometimes have wondered about writing a recipe book for the poor. LOL it's a zine idea.

It isn't working idiots.

It isn't working idiots. They all believe something failing millions. I have eaten far less because of the diabetes, my sugars are at the 120s from being sick and if they cross from the low 120s I will have to increase my insulin. The fat lady is right that the thin and smug like the one lady on the couch are bullies. Fat people are getting sick of it all, one can tell.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

183 Year Old Tortoise: The World's Oldest Living Land Creature

When Fair-Weather Friends Add to your Stress

Lady with a Truck

"People who tell you stuff “for your own good” and only “because they care” when they have never experienced anything even close to what you are going through, are not being a good friend they are being critical, holier than thou, superior, and like to make you feel bad about yourself. IF they were really concerned they would be one of the handful of friends who come to this site trying to get information in order to understand and help their friend. THAT is a true friend. Someone willing to put in the effort to learn so they can truly help and not do more damage. If someone doesn’t want to do the research to find out how to help you they don’t really want to help. 

They think they should help, they want to look like they care, but they really don’t want to have put themselves out to do it. “So get on with life already, because I don’t have time to be a true friend and you are making me look like a bad friend.” “In order to avoid looking like a bad friend I will blame you for not healing fast enough and maybe that will force you to put a damn smile on your face and stop making me feel inadequate as a friend”. 

 This quote seemed to sum up what happened to me in the friendship that went bad. Thank God I have real friends who have stuck by me, but as I warned in the Project Friends article.  No one is your real friend who thinks you must be fixed to be acceptable. Us chronically ill people face this often, I have disabled friends who have talked of the same thing happening to them. I'm done with critical people who think they are superior to me.

Totally Obsessed Gaining Goddess - Fred Willard

Sometimes I think these people are fake, meant to muddy the weight loss waters and label all us fat people as "choosing" our condition. The powers that be can rub them in our faces. However obviously some feedees and feeders are real.  Her cupboard full of junk food is sickening. I looked her up and it looks like she is part of the BBW porn world and abandoned the weight gain--actually losing weight some years later. It's not realistic, even the most die-hard feedees know that weight gain will kill.

Hard Week

                                         [picture source]

I have a leg infection, it's not the worse one I've ever had but it brings me some fear since my diabetes is controlled and I never failed to wrap my leg or do my Flexitouch. Is it from being up too many hours at the zine fest? From the high heat of the past week where I've been totally housebound? Too much stress? Air conditioning gives me relief but my body feels the heat anyway. I don't know. Here comes a nervous breakdown for the hard-pressed Lippie. It is the last thing that should have happened to me. Sometimes one's hope ebbs away when health problems never end. If I lose my mind and go insane, I've been sick since my late 20s, with leg infections putting me even then in the hospital time and time again.

 I scared away my home call doctor or something, I think he came to the door, when I was crying about having just dropped my nebulizer mouth piece while washing it into the trash can, and goop it went right into a can of grease I had in there. The grease in the can was from the crock pot of yesterday after cooking some chicken in it. Thank God, I had another one, because I don't think even vinegar is going to take away the grease germs. I called the office asking where they were, and they said they had been here, and I never heard a knock on the door. I didn't cuss or anything but was crying, saying "How am I going to find this thing?". Aspie melt-down but maybe he showed up at the door at another time and gave a limp knock and walked away.

Anyhow the office told him to come back, and they were almost back to the office 40 minutes away, something I didn't know. The office made it seem like he was still in my town.  He was not happy they told him to drive back. So my second meeting with this newer doctor, I can tell he already doesn't like me anymore. The appointment was kind of a waste of time. I didn't know the leg infection was coming yet but was teary eyed and unable to socially deal.

Why did they make the nervous Aspie woman switch from the doctor she had for three years? I am tired of new people. You know life should not be this endless dance where you have to meet new people constantly while the new ones are gone. I could tell he was annoyed during the visit. He kept criticizing me and said "Why didn't you answer your phone?" [at 8:00 am when the old doctors always called at 9:00 am like clockwork] I felt on the defense and nervous. I was getting very sick but didn't know it yet. At this point, I just felt stressed out.

With the doctor he gets one more chance, but if he is one of those personalities who will just criticize me, I will call and say I need someone else. Any more limp knocks at the door, and not calling the buzzer because some idiot let him in, I'm not putting up with it. Part of me wonders if I was gas-lighted over the door knocking.

Then I went into the bathroom and cried, feeling stressed out from being housebound from heat, and the new doctor possibly hating me, from too many phone calls, and the fact that I am losing more hearing because I couldn't hear the door. My diminishing hearing is ruining my life. It's going down too. I'm listening to music in a frenzy knowing that one day it's going to be gone. That's a lot of pressure.

Everyone thinks that going blind is the worse, and to me that would be worse too but hearing is a close second. Everything confuses me, and talking to people seems harder and harder. I can still manage one on one conversations but the level of concentration to lip read and the rest is killing me. I know it's making me seem zoned out and slow to people. I seem to irritate them even more then usual. My head hurts, I feel like I am underwater, and stuck in a foreign country trying to make sense of words that sound like Russian but really is English.

Then some guy in a group I am in wrote THREE TIMES on my Facebook wall, "We need to talk". That usually means something bad to me known as the favorite phrase of bosses about to fire people or other people ready to lower gut-bombs. So I write him, I leave him two phone messages. Are there more smear campaigns happening to me? No message is returned. Nothing ever seems good enough to anyone.

I cried and told my husband, "This town is destroying me". I said, "Remember the days when the old church had a goodbye dinner for us, and we said goodbye to friends and people noticed we were alive? Remember when people talked to us?" Around here there seems to be just the same breed of mean-faced baby boomer aged women who have too much money and others who I have nothing in common with. I even miss the conversations I used to have in my old town. I wasn't queen of the ball but I wasn't a hated and or ignored pariah. There were people who noticed I was alive. The days of having no enemies were nice ones.

 I wrote about us considering moving again but we can't make another "mistake" like this one was. I wouldn't make it through. Of course I can't decide if these people are just jerks and snobs from hell, or if I just went more deaf and got older and sicker and ruined my damn life moving to this town in 2007. It's like the "mistake" I wish I could rewind and go scream at the me of the future and say "Don't do it. You will be alone and end up with yuppies who will do nothing but criticize you!"

I have learned some intense lessons about the social differences of the upper classes. They don't talk to each other the same as lower classes. Everyone thinks the suburbs of the 1950s were soul-less and oppressive but nothing beats their contemporary counterparts. Yes this is a generalization but socially since I've lived here I have been more on edge and I don't think it's just my imagination. Status matters far more to them. They are indeed more secretive making sure to put on fronts to the world. No one ever suffers and every problem is to be hidden. They are far more conformist. The number of narcissists are a given. There is less toleration for the ill. Eccentrics are less tolerated among their lot as I have learned all too often.

If we move somewhere poor and rural, but friendlier, that means no more health care with multiple specialists. That means no more free clinic or dentist. We would never get an apartment as good as this one. Where else do we move? So we have stayed but my gut wrenching fears about what the social side of things are doing to us have stayed.

I'm worried about my health since my leg turned on me. My last infection ruined my diabetes and forced me on insulin. Two weeks ago even, illness laid over me like a shroud and even then I could not get out of bed for a day. The leg infection probably actually began then. Cooking or basic cleaning was wearing me out. My immune system is toast. Sometimes lately I am just plain afraid. The stiff upper lip crowd around me is just choking the life out of me.

 The other day I watched Frida, the movie, I don't agree with the Communism but lets be frank corrupt Capitalists suck too. Her art was interesting.  She laid in her bed with serious health problems just existing in it. It looked like my life being in bed so much lately. Maybe I should try painting in bed too. This is where I have been for days though today I actually plan to go outside for the first time in a week. I hope my leg gets better. Did I pay a price for going to a fun zine fest out of town?  It sucks when your body punishes you just for wanting to live.